E-Rock

Full blown anxiety attack.
Feels like a god damn heart attack.

I miss all of the things that used to make me smile.

Can I just apologize to every single person all at once? Can I make everyone not see me as an annoying asshole? Because I promise I'm not a bad person, I'm just sarcastic and kind of honest about things. And a little broken in places, but I've glued it together, it's just not always perfect or smooth or even.

I'm really trying my best to change things, to be better.

I'm sorry if I've upset people, but if you tell me I can work on it. Just be nice about it, I've already done enough crying for a lifetime.

There's certain things that I know could happen if I just let them. I know there are certain things that I could do to put things in place, but I wouldn't be happy with them. I'd feel like I'm compromising myself and what I want. It would feel like giving up.

I know a lot of it is my fault. I know I'm the cause of my own problems, and I've only come to realize this now. That seems pretty stupid for me to see that now.

But right now it's one blow after another. One single hit that hurts just a little bit more than the first time. These bruises are turning my heart black and I need to get out of this rut.

That question? The one I can't seem to answer? It's because I don't know why. I think everyone else would be able to tell me why, but not me.

Maybe you can tell me why I gets asked if I have any cute single friends, and they don't ask me if I'm single. Maybe if you didn't say so incredulously 'I can't believe you are still alone" I wouldn't be completely dead today.

I think there's something wrong with this entire picture.

I want to have the  motivation to make that huge change in myself that makes me feel better and look better and to be healthy.
I don't want to be embarrassed of myself anymore.
No more soda.
No more cigarettes.
No more burgers or late night food.
Salad, lots and lots of salad and chicken.
Special k and fat free milk
no more biting my nails.
no more catching the bus in the parking lot.
I'll walk back to campus from Picotte when I have the time.
I'll drink so much water that I pee 50 times a day.
No more ice cream.
No more shit.
No more eating out.

I want to feel good about myself.
I want my feet to stop hurting.
I want my knees and hips to stop hurting.
I want to fit into clothes that I like.
I want to be able to shop at normal stores.
I want to have the self control to do this.
I want a pair of jeans to last me more than a few months.
I want to wear a dress.
I want to wear shorts.
I want to wear tank tops with nothing over them.
I want to look in the mirror and not hate what I see every morning.

I feel like I'm forgetting everything. It's almost as if my brain keeps stumbling and things are so blurry. I've been forgetting things, and then there's the headaches, dizziness, and the pain. I can't keep everything straight. Or maybe it's just this immense fear of graduating and not being able to do what they've been teaching me to do for the last 21 years of my life.

This is the second time, I kept right on going because I'm still a fucking coward. But then I stop myself and realize that you could have stopped and said something too. Maybe I'm not being silly about it. Maybe I'm just disappointed in how I'm handling it. I wish you would say something, I wish that you wanted to spend time with me. I'm not good at this stuff, I might need a bit of a nudge, but I don't want to be the one to nudge you. I don't want to get myself down like I always do. Please say something. Anything at this point would be better than silence.

This one thought is taking over my mind and I can't let it go. I'll be twenty two in three months and this has become entirely all consuming because I'm behind on the one thing the rest of the world has. It's silly, but I'm afraid that the more time goes, the more afraid I will be. I don't want to be scared, I want to be okay.

Sometimes it feels like I was never supposed to make it this far, like all of it was supposed to end years ago. Like instead of just me stumbling, it was the rest of the world that stumbled with me.

That story you read? I keep thinking about it, wishing it were true because I'm fucked up like that. You're the only one I ever let read it, and now we don't even talk and I have no one else to show. No one else that gets how fucked my mind really is. It's bad that i want the words on the page to be reality, maybe it's because I know I wouldn't be able to survive. Maybe it's because I know I would survive and would fight for every piece of it. Maybe I want to realize how much I am worth it and that I can beat these things.

I don't know what I'm writing anymore. Today was a day of thoughts and crowds and smoke and sun. Movement and elbows. And from the corner of my eye, everything whirlwind into this horrible mass at the bottom. I wish I could walk around with my eyes and ears closed. A wave would have made my entire day seem like nothing could be better than this.

But in the end, I am still alone. In a cold bed that has only seen one way. To a dream filled night that I will never remember when I wake up.
Here's to a tomorrow that is better than every today.

Fat girls aren't real people.

Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm stuck between being livid and crying.

I hate waking up every morning and leaving my warm, comfy bed.

It's safe there.

So maybe I really am that awkward. I really don't know. I wish there was someone that I could meet and just, be comfortable with and not worry about embarrassing myself.

There are so many questions racing through my mind because I really have no idea. I wish I could talk to someone about it with out coming off crazy.

I still feel like punching something.
Or just falling asleep for an extended period of time.

Every fucking time. I hate you for it. So much.

I don't want to be this angry about it.
I wish I could be the bigger person and just forget about you completely.


I feel like punching something, but with my luck I'll break my hand.

Every time I move, the room spins and I feel like I'm falling.
This constant ringing in my ears, and the pain.
Nothing's wrong apparently, but that's not what it feels like.
Doctor's twice, emergency room once, and possibly a specialist.
Maybe I'm imagining it.

I haven't had a cigarette in 18 days.
I haven't cried in an hour.
I haven't talked to you since that last letter.
I haven't wanted to see you since I left last summer.
I haven't fallen in love in 21 years, 8 months, and 8 days.
I haven't felt this lonely in a really long time.

So last year, the whole RA thing really didn't feel like it was who I am.  But this year, with all the old RAs gone, and me still feeling like a new RA myself, it's a lot of fun. It's what I wanted it to be like last year. I know people on campus, I have people to say hello to and people know my name. People come talk to me. I know it's not ideal for you, but for me it's making me feel like I'm not completely worthless and I fit somewhere.

I'm so embarrassed of myself.
No wonder I'm alone.

She's right.
I don't fit, and I don't belong anywhere.
I'm tired of waking up everyday.
I'm digusting.
It's not worth it anymore.

You were going to make me be the third wheel again.
Apparently that's what I was born to do.

No one can hang out with me on their own. They have to have someone with them. Another friend, their boyfriend, their girlfriend. Jesus christ, just hang out with me. Because then it just feels like you don't even want to be bothered.

So the drunk driver gets to live and the kid that he hit gets to die.
I don't see how life gets to work like that.
I feel bad for the family, for the kid who wont get to grow up and experience life. go to college, fall in love, get married, build a life and figure out who he is and be proud of himself. or the parent that had to lose a child, which is something no parent should ever have to go through. and the guy who was drunk gets to walk away. i feel bad for his parents too, because I don't see it being easy to stand by your son after something like that.  and that sound horrible i know, but really, I don't.

i cant get my head around all the death lately. drunk driver. minivan with 4 kids a mom and a man and his 81 year old father. the lady from the bank. the famous people kind of count. my friends grandfather. my other friends grandfather.

what happen to the 3s. out the window.


So I guess I'm saying that my thoughts are with the family who lost their son, brother, grandson, and nephew. My thoughts are with the boy who died too young by someones lack of responsibility.

I hope you get put in jail, and I hope that you remember everyday that mistake that you made. Maybe that will be enough for you to be more respectful of the life around you.

I would give anything to feel like that forever.
Why hasn't anyone loved me?

I want to feel something for once. Something real.
I don't think I've ever been more afraid of anything in my entire life.

I feel so lost because I had a really great day. And then I found out you went to dinner and didn't invite me, it hurt a lot. You don't notice that I'm not there, and you don't need me there to have a good time.

I felt like I belonged somewhere for the first time in a really long time. I fit there. I worked.

I don't know how tomorrow night is going to go, but going to work isn't as bad as it used to be anymore.

Apparently depression makes you lose weight. My ring doesn't fit anymore.

I need one of those people that I can call when I'm crying, because this isn't working.

Do these things get better? Do they stop in their relentlessness? Let's see how much more it takes. I feel like giving up.

I might take out my lip ring for good. I haven't decided yet, I'm still thinking about it.
I might delete my facebook.

 I wish that you missed me.
I wish that anyone would miss me.
I wish that someone wanted me around.
Or noticed when I'm not there.
I'd like to get invited to parties, or mini golf, or the fire pit outtings.
I'd like to feel like my friends are my friends.
But unfortunately for me, I'm not invited and I don't feel that way.

I need to get the fuck out of Pawling.
I hate this place.
I need something to make me smile, because this isn't cutting it.

I've been trying to be in a good mood. And I have been for the last couple of days. I'm trying to be happier with what I have, but it's easier when most of what I have is in Albany and no one wants me around in Pawling.

Okay.
This time, I'm giving it all I've got.

It's nice without you here.

I feel like the more I step away from my Livejournal, the less depressed I am. Like there is less shit in my life to worry or complain about. Or maybe I've just stopped caring or noticing. Like maybe, I'm growing up. Sometimes I stop and I think about everything, and everyone and where I am today. And I look at my friends, and I smile, because we're making it. Despite the slowness and quickness of life, and college, and work, they are still here. And I look at the friends that haven't made it this far in my life with me, and that's okay too. They're going their own way and making it for themselves. And the people I might not see all the time, or talk to all the time, but when we do, it's like we've been together the whole time. We don't miss a beat.

One more year, and I'm done with school. It's pretty intimidating. Finally getting to that point where it's the rest of your life. I wish I wasn't doing it alone, but maybe that's what I need. To realize that I can do it on my own. I don't need someone next to me my entire life to be okay with things. I get scared that all of it will mean nothing if I'm alone, that I have no one to share it with. I don't think I'm at that point yet though. I still feel like things would be so much better if I had someone to share it with. This is a really silly example, but when you watch a tv show, and none of your other friends watch it, and something crazy and important happens and you want so desperately to talk to someone about it, and you turn, and you realize that you've got no one to share the excitement with. I love sharing things with people. I love giving people things. I love having someone to smile with.

Alright, so maybe I won't get to that point where I realize things are alright on my own too. They aren't bad, but they could be so much better. I think that it's a more realistic goal to just realizing that I can survive on my own.

I wish you would find me

I swear to god, World of Warcrack is addicting.

10 free days is CLEARLY NOT ENOUGH.

but im on Earthen Ring now. Undead this time. sloooowly i level, because I still suck at this game despite my love for it.

still got Arthas to look at too.

i love it. i can't help it.