E-Rock

 I wish that you missed me.
I wish that anyone would miss me.
I wish that someone wanted me around.
Or noticed when I'm not there.
I'd like to get invited to parties, or mini golf, or the fire pit outtings.
I'd like to feel like my friends are my friends.
But unfortunately for me, I'm not invited and I don't feel that way.

I need to get the fuck out of Pawling.
I hate this place.
I need something to make me smile, because this isn't cutting it.

I've been trying to be in a good mood. And I have been for the last couple of days. I'm trying to be happier with what I have, but it's easier when most of what I have is in Albany and no one wants me around in Pawling.

Okay.
This time, I'm giving it all I've got.

It's nice without you here.

I feel like the more I step away from my Livejournal, the less depressed I am. Like there is less shit in my life to worry or complain about. Or maybe I've just stopped caring or noticing. Like maybe, I'm growing up. Sometimes I stop and I think about everything, and everyone and where I am today. And I look at my friends, and I smile, because we're making it. Despite the slowness and quickness of life, and college, and work, they are still here. And I look at the friends that haven't made it this far in my life with me, and that's okay too. They're going their own way and making it for themselves. And the people I might not see all the time, or talk to all the time, but when we do, it's like we've been together the whole time. We don't miss a beat.

One more year, and I'm done with school. It's pretty intimidating. Finally getting to that point where it's the rest of your life. I wish I wasn't doing it alone, but maybe that's what I need. To realize that I can do it on my own. I don't need someone next to me my entire life to be okay with things. I get scared that all of it will mean nothing if I'm alone, that I have no one to share it with. I don't think I'm at that point yet though. I still feel like things would be so much better if I had someone to share it with. This is a really silly example, but when you watch a tv show, and none of your other friends watch it, and something crazy and important happens and you want so desperately to talk to someone about it, and you turn, and you realize that you've got no one to share the excitement with. I love sharing things with people. I love giving people things. I love having someone to smile with.

Alright, so maybe I won't get to that point where I realize things are alright on my own too. They aren't bad, but they could be so much better. I think that it's a more realistic goal to just realizing that I can survive on my own.

I wish you would find me

I swear to god, World of Warcrack is addicting.

10 free days is CLEARLY NOT ENOUGH.

but im on Earthen Ring now. Undead this time. sloooowly i level, because I still suck at this game despite my love for it.

still got Arthas to look at too.

i love it. i can't help it.

I forgot for about 5 minutes, and then I remembered.

Liz got the sobbing phone call last night.

I'm really done with this, it's getting old.
I should fix how I see things.

If I close my eyes and wish it all away, will it work?
When I open my eyes in the morning will I forget all of it?

So, I don't know if it's a date or not, or if it's just coffee.
But I'm having coffee with Alex next week.

I am ridiculously nervous and I hope it goes well.

Monday at 10:30 am, I am officially done with finals, and with the RA stuff, I can't leave until Saturday. So I'll be hanging out for a week.

What? I cut off all my hair? yeah, yeah I kind of did
What?  That's not a sunburn, that's just the light....that makes my shoulders hurt?

ITS SO HOT IN THIS FUCKING ROOM
i cant wait to go home to central air conditioning.

I'm going on an adventure.
I'm going to go to Boston.

Newbury Comics, Granary Cemetery, Boston Commons, Bell in Hand, here I come.

I've got a good feeling about this one.
She seems to know where she's going.

There's nothing like an escape and an adventure to make things feel back in place again.

God, what a fucked up week.

I'm stuck on a lot of things lately, and some of them I can't exactly pin point.

I want to be The Girl and not just A Girl.

I want cigarettes more than anything right now. And for some reason, for the last few days I've felt like I was going to cry. And it's there again. There's this low feeling in my stomach. Like I'm anticipating something, and I can't figure out what it is yet.

I want to write. I was going to submit my chapters and my outline to a contest, just for fun. So much for that idea.
Maybe I'll make a t-shirt instead.

I stopped, and now the only thing holding me back is myself.

Smile though your heart is aching:
Smile even though it's breaking.

So, what if I can't smile anymore?

The pure exhaustion is so worth the effort.
I almost feel like I'm accomplishing things.

Keep your fingers crossed for something amazing.
Or just short of incredible.

I wear the ring in hopes of something coming, for memories of the past, and for support for the present. It does not represent who has made me, simply what is behind me and ahead.

No fate; for you are my fate, my sweet

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
Or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
In secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in
Itself the light of hidden flowers;
Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
Risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

That this: where I does not exist, nor you,
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

They have no names. Simply named he and she. I should decide on who they are, but I can't find the right names. Lots of ideas kind of just floating. Lines, paragraphs, full pages, full chapters, they are a bit scattered.

I have this enormous urge to go to the Bronx Zoo, and to drive for an extended period of time. Windows down, music up, beautiful summer day. I could live in the summer like that, it makes things a little bit easier.

And you. What can I do with that? Stuck in my head.

I'm on the verge of telling you all of it, every secret, every lie. Everything you never knew.

New York City was good. Blockheads is awesome. Went to the Virgin Records store because it was closing. Went to the Hershey Store, M&M Store, Element, MTV Store, saw the naked cowboy, MOMA bookstore, and probably some other places that I don't recall. All I have to say is that Strawberry Voka Lemonade is amazing. Watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall on the way back, which only took 2 1/2 hours shockingly enough. It was a beautiful day to be in the city, sunshine, warmth, and no rain.

Has these crazy ideas and stories that are stuck in my head. And I keep writing them, but normally when I write them, they going away. But they keep bugging me and even though I keep writing, it's not being done right. Finished reading one book, now I'm onto the next. Two more waiting to be read. Going to reread a few this summer.

I'm just not really looking forward to these boring projects that we are finishing up the year with.

Things I Need to Do:
- catch up on House
- catch up on CSI
- catch up on like 3 seasons of Scrubs
- finish my books
- finish writing that one story
- finish writing that other story
- really fully stop smoking. two months and only 3 cigarettes. I'm almost there
- get rid of this pneumonia cough
- clean my room
- e-mail karen
- see Watchmen
- stop biting my nails
- get more sleep during the week
- get more work done every day
- i'm going to try to stop complaining all the time. maybe make myself a little easier to be around

One month left.
One week of down time.
Whole summer of internship.
Gotta find a job.

Things are getting better.
And I think part of it has to do with the amazing weather.


its not wet outside so i can wear my purple shoes.
passed AHI midterm
watchmen on saturday
Found a dress for the dance, and the wedding
Got the internship
got an A- minus on my magazine
the party is all ready for april 3rd
my how-to kit is coming out well
im wearing flip flops
2 cigarettes in 2 months

so who's got pneumonia and double ear infections just in time for spring break?

Yup,that's right. I do.

is my temperature is 102 right now, i dont want to know what it was last night because i felt like i was dying.

someone shoot me
please.


i hate fevers.
and being sick :(

Friday, 4 hour art history class from 9:00 to 1:00, and then at 2:00 I'm peacin' out and crashing for the next week.
You might think I'm dead ( I might be ) but I might also just be taking a small coma like nap.

( Bullshit To-Do List )

It's worth the bullshit isn't it?
All of this fucking work pays off in the end?

if it doesn't, then what the fuck did I just spend all that money on?

It's like, if we were just in the same place at the same time. We would be happy, together. You and me. But with states in between it's not a possibility.

why the fuck is there no snow?

why do you have to be so fucking amazing all the time?

really.