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SWF for Life

Mar. 28th, 2011 | 11:42 pm

I'm stuck thinking about life and where I am. Where I stand. And I shouldn't compare it with everyone else. I have my own path to live. But I can't help but look onto other tracks and wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Well, not necessarily wrong, but am I holding myself back. Am I keeping myself here out of fear or am I really saving money? Have I convinced myself that I'm saving money instead of branching out and doing something I'd never expect myself to do.

Or am I supposed to be comfortable? Should I just keep being comfortable and not pushing myself to do more? I don't want to regret not doing something. but then there's the anxiety. The all consuming panic that I suck. And I have no faith in my ability to do anything. Will I be able to do real design without a teacher next to me telling me what's good and what's bad?

Part of me doesn't want to fail at something so big. But I can't fail if I don't try. But I don't kow if that's the real reason or if I'm really happy just being small. I'm not competitive. I don't want to be in the spotlight. I dint want to be in charge. I don't want to tell anyone what to do.

But i want a home.
I want a family (right now without kids).
I want to be in love.
I want to get married.
I want to be...happy.
Comfortable.

I've wanted exactly that for as long as I can remember. I don't want to be a home maker. I don't want to be a mom, but that's something different all together.

I feel like I'm biding my time until I get that. Like this "career" is me passing my time until that moment. And what if that moment doesn't come? What if I'm sitting here waiting for something and I've just made myself stuck in a simple thing with a career I really don't care about. And I'm left alone. I want to build with someone.

I feel like everyone around me is building with someone and I'm left on my own. Not knowing where to go or what to do. And now I feel stupid for feeling like I need someone to complete me. For saying that I need someone so that I feel like I've accomplished something.

I don't even know. I've had this headache for 4 days.
I'm tired.
And I'm exhausted.

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(no subject)

Jan. 29th, 2011 | 09:57 pm

Everything is kind of in the same spot as before.

Nothing new.

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(no subject)

Dec. 8th, 2010 | 11:02 pm

Jesus Christ, it's been too long.

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things

Nov. 18th, 2010 | 12:20 am

Things to look forward to:

1) Shoe shopping
2) Nikki's bday stuff
3) Lunch on Friday
4) Dinner Party
5) Thanksgiving
6) Christmas
7) My birthday
8) Super long weekend
9) AWESOME PRESENTS
10) PAX /Boston Trip
11) August
12) vacation time :P
13) seriously. awesome. presents.

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(no subject)

Nov. 6th, 2010 | 10:26 pm

I'm tired of being tired.
I'm done with everything being the same.

I get bored and I just go to bed.
I want my car back.

And having two jobs blows, but when i don't work on the weekends. I'm bored.
Which just means I'm tired some more. And no matter when I go to bed, it's always hard to get up in the morning.

And it sounds stupid, but I miss school. I miss that it occupied my time, and forced me to have things to do. When I was never bored because I was always procrastinating.

But now I just feel like I'm procrastinating life and not doing something to be more important or to simply move forward. To get what I want. (When in reality, I have no idea what I want except to be happy, but I have no idea how to get myself there.)

I want to live some place new.
Meet new people.

Do something that I know will terrify me but I know I can only grow from experiences like that.

I don't know where I'm going.

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Sad Moment

Nov. 2nd, 2010 | 09:32 pm

So I go to look for you, and find out that you died.

I'm kind of disconnected right now.

I wish there was something I could do.
That I could have been there.
Said good bye or something.
Anything.

My Pennsylvania boy.

I will always miss you.

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(no subject)

Oct. 11th, 2010 | 11:57 pm

I don't feel like talking anymore.
It's a bad spot when there are no words.
No communication.
No thoughts.

And there's no one.
I don't think it would make sense anyway.
No one to call to tell.

I'm gone.
Just, catch me already.

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(no subject)

Sep. 8th, 2010 | 07:56 am

I love super long weekends with random trips to Albany.

Also, I've started watching Sliders <3

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more atari

Aug. 26th, 2010 | 08:12 am

There's no way this much good shit can happen at once. Really. Part of me is trying to force myself to be happy with it because that's how life is supposed to work. But the other half of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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so much love

Aug. 13th, 2010 | 11:57 pm
mood: happyhappy

It's always when things are starting to feel really shitty, and I start getting pretty down that a night like this happens. And I feel better. It was one of those moments that I felt like that was exactly where I was supposed to be. In that moment of time, I was where I was meant to be. Everything fit together and it was fun. It was perfect.

It's night's like these that put me in the place I need to be mentally. Where I'm not sad because I'm single, and I'm not sad because I don't always get to hang out with my friends. And I'm not sad because I feel like things are slow or I'm not doing the best that I can be. And I'm not sad that I have two jobs and work all the time.

I'm happy because it's the 13th. And a Friday. I just got paid. And i got silly texts from Kristen that just remind me of why were are always going to be friends. And I was with my friends, and there was a bon fire, and rock band, and drunk Len. With cigars and beer, and cigarettes, and m&ms. I'm happy because we laughed, and I got to have the night end with my always amazing conversations with Nikki. I'm happy because they didn't want me to leave. And even though my jeans are wet, there's dirt under my nails, and I have grass stains and bug bites, I'd do it all over again. The exact same way.

Because I'm good.
Right here.

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these things in my head

Aug. 2nd, 2010 | 11:01 pm

By Saturday I'll have worked 20 days in a row. I'm fucking exhausted.
--------
New and exciting things.

I just started my third week and the job. Been pulling 56 hour weeks between the full time at the newspaper and the part time at Marshalls. moneys.

Okay. Things to look forward to:

1) This weekend is Albany. Can't fucking wait to get away. It's not a long enough trip, but it will have to do for the mean time.

2) FOREIGNER with Marian. Can't. Fucking. Wait. 

3) I get my new bedroom furniture at the end of August after waiting since THE END OF APRIL. And I can finally finish unpacking all of my shit from school. No more boxes in the closet.

4) Tim and Laura's engagement party.

5) October is NY Comic Con. Possibly going for a day. I need to find out when James Marsters is going to be there. I might have a heart attack.

6) Hopefully Bamboozle next year since I haven't been in 3 years and I'd like to go again.

7) August of 2011. Boston. That's all I'm saying for now. SO EXCITED.

This is a lot of good things to be happening to me at once. I feel like I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm also on a diet. Because I'm tired of feeling embarrassed and disgusted myself. I want to be able to stand next to another pretty girl and feel like I stand a chance. And right now, I don't. Right now I kind of hate myself, but I'm working on it.

And I'm actually going to quit smoking. For good. I think. Hopefully it will work. I really don't want to want to. I know I need to.

And while somethings seem to be going well, every thing is not okay. Because I get forgot about and left out. And one time doesn't make up for all the others. At the end of the night I feel like I don't exist. And I want to be in Albany and with my family instead of here. With all of this. Part of me loves being here, but I feel like I put in way more effort than what I should be getting out of this. There's this lack of inclusion and I can't say anything because who wants to make themselves look like an over sensitive freak in front of their friends? I'm tired. All the time. I get up. I get ready and eat. I go to work. I come home and eat dinner. Then do a bunch fuck of nothing for the last hours of the day. Then I sleep again.

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working on it

Jul. 18th, 2010 | 10:48 pm
location: Home
mood: tiredtired
music: Spirit in the Sky

This week was a good week I think.Got to spend some time with people. Saw some people I haven't seen in a while.

My own mini goal is to start writing again. I have an outline and an idea. Now, I just need the inspiration and the words.

Things are still shifting. Not just with me, but with everyone. Not bad things. New things. We're all finding our own ways and I'm glad that things are getting better for everyone. Sometimes I worry that things have changed so much between everyone that it's bad. But I think that we are just growing up. Things are changing but in a good way. It's a healthier place that most people seem to be in.

Steps so far:

- graduated high school
- got into college
- graduated college
- got a full time job with health benefits
- bought my first car

Next steps:

- move out
- support myself
- still have a job
- hopefully love is somewhere in there

But the main goal still survives: be happy.

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(no subject)

Jul. 8th, 2010 | 05:15 pm

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.

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sycamore tree

Jul. 8th, 2010 | 12:41 am

I seriously should have become a therapist.



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(no subject)

Jul. 5th, 2010 | 12:20 am

fuckin' headaches.

just.


fuck.

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lame?

Jul. 1st, 2010 | 08:48 pm

Really lame but I want a surprise birthday party.
Just once, and not have to plan one for myself.

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fuck it

Jun. 27th, 2010 | 12:31 am
location: desk
mood: exhaustedexhausted
music: Jason Derulo - Ridin' Solo

At this point, I hope it's Lymes.

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wide open spaces

Jun. 18th, 2010 | 11:49 pm
location: United States, New York, Holmes
mood: coldcold

I need a trip to the Buddhist Monastery or the Vanderbilt Mansion.
Either one will do.

I need sunshine.
And air.
And silence.
And space.

I need to breathe.

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airplanes

Jun. 9th, 2010 | 02:18 am

This. Is seriously going to suck. Stupid sunburn. I'd wear a tank top to bed but i think that might make it worse. Stupid blisters. Only I can get sunburned even while using 30 and 50 spf. It's this gift that I have.

This vacation away from literally every single person I know as very needed. No contact. No facebook. No nothing.

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(no subject)

Jun. 1st, 2010 | 01:31 pm

I think my heart might be broken. Just a little bit.


I'm going to talk to you today.
Because when I go on vacation I want to actually enjoy it on not have to think about how disappointed I am. I'm a little hurt too, but I think that was just one of the stages of emotions that I experienced.

After this, everything is going to be different because now I can't trust you. I can't trust you to be honest with me and maybe I shouldn't have expected so much but I thought maybe you'd get it. You should have just come to me with the problem and not everyone else.


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Sleep

May. 30th, 2010 | 12:04 am

I keep having these really fucked up dreams.
Like really.

It usually involves one of two people, but whatever.

I keep losing things. It's like this one bag that had my shorts, tank top, leggings, and necklaces just disappeared. I found a few of the things that I was looking for, but the ones that are the most important are simply gone.


ps - what the fuck with car accidents. long night.

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things

May. 20th, 2010 | 11:36 pm

“Because, that’s the thing about love, really. No one will love you how you want to be loved, they’ll love you in the only ways they know how. Life throws everyone down drastically different paths so how can we expect everyone to love in the same way? The person you’ll spend your lifetime with will love you in their way and you’ll love in yours, and maybe you’ll meet in the middle and it’ll last. None of us know what we’re doing, you see, we’re just fumbling for matches in the dark. If you’re lucky, you might eventually just strike the right one.”

"Look at you. You're young. And you're scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people thing. Wear what you want/ Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting fro Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want"

"The city rises and falls: you were a dream; then a reality; now a memory."

“And so, I wait because you have already left and my work here, is done. I wait and wonder how my skin feels like it’s made of love letters written a hundred years too soon (too late). I wonder at the mystery of life and how much of it can possibly remain. I wonder at pain and hurt and love and time and how much of each I held. I wonder at how I cannot remember anything in my life before I met you. I wonder at the tiniest of touches and try, desperately, to keep their memories alive. I wonder at loneliness. I wonder at how long it’ll be, before I see you again. I wait. And I wonder.”

“I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it’s going to be okay. When you’re hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there’s those moments we have every now and then where we just stop, and we get this feeling, that can’t be described, but you just.. you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear. I need more of those moments.”



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(no subject)

May. 19th, 2010 | 11:23 pm

Today was a bad day and not in a way that makes life completely unlivable. Just one of those bad days where all of these unconnected things turn out disappointing. I lied, the last week has been like that.

I want to just crash and burn.
Right here.

I want to curl up in my bed, under about 8 blankets and stay there for the next 10 years. Or forever. I don't care.

Fuck my heart because like you said, I never had one anyway.

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(no subject)

May. 9th, 2010 | 06:36 pm

I graduated High School.
I graduated College.

Everything still feels the same.

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(no subject)

Apr. 25th, 2010 | 11:43 pm

Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling that I'm not where I'm supposed to be.
And I get so scared that I'm doing something wrong, going down the wrong path.

I feel like I've missed something somewhere.
Missed some sort of defining step or one of those milestones that you're supposed to hit in the first two decades.

I really just need to leave.
Maybe I should look into that Ohio thing.
Fifty thousand a year is pretty fucking nice.
And I'd get away from all of it. Everything I've literally ever known.
Except myself.

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