E-Rock

I'm going to Isla Verde, Saun Juan, Puerto Rico.

I'M SO EXCITED!

But, I'm not going until June :X

It's going to get me through the winter.

and this week is going great. and nothing is even happening. im just in a good mood.

I love good nights with new people and making new friends and talking and laughing and feeling on top of the world. I'm holding onto this feeling all week.

Right now, I'm happy.
And I can't stop smiling.

Beginning of week 3 out of 15.

My last semester. It felt like I would never get to this point, and now that I'm here it's hard to take the next step. I've never been the type of person to think into the future and figure out what I want to do. I didn't have a plan, I still don't. Not that I tell my mom that, I think she'd probably have a heart attack.

It sounds kind of silly, but I have faith that life will fall into place. Not that I'm not going to put any effort in, I just don't know what I want to do. What if I try my entire life to succeed at this one thing and then find out that I don't like it? I'm glad I'm in Graphic Design, and I'm glad I'm at St. Rose. I don't regret those decisions.

I'm just kind of going my own way and going through all of it.

I have no idea where I will be after graduation.
California? Washington DC? Boston? Chicago? St. Louis? Texas? Georgia?

It goes on. The more I think about it, the less I want to move back home after graduation. While it scares the living shit out of me to move out of my comfort zone, I don't want to be the person that gets stuck. And while I might not give thought about where I'm going or the exact outcome of my life, I know I don't want to be one of those people. I'm not one of those people. I don't want to get so comfortable to the point where I can't do anything new. I have to come to terms with the fact that my anxiety and panic attacks cannot control my life. I know that whatever I decide to do, I will be okay. That's what I tell myself: it all works out in the end. It might be scary at first, and I might panic, but even while that's happening I know I'll do just fine.

I'll just keep moving forward with every ounce of courage that I have.

It's my birthday tomorrow.
Work 8 am to 4(or 5?)
Then nada.

ps - why the fuck is it so cold?

7 down, 1 to go and then I'm gone.

It's been 3 weeks since my last cigarette and I still want one, but I know the moment that I have one, it never tastes as good as it used to.

Yeah, that's right.

Actionscripting has become one of my least favorite things to do.

But, my final Web Design Project is done. Maybe. We'll see.

My last full week of classes starts today.

This is my last Fall semester at St. Rose.

One more semester.

Let's see if I can do this :)

So the semester is over in 2 and a half weeks, almost 3 weeks and then Winter Break.

Wooooo, except not at all. I'm waiting for a 2 1/2 week break between semesters. What the fuck. Really? Two and a half weeks of me (hopefully) working my ass off and getting money. Birthday. Then back to school 7 days later? I'm grumbling at that because, ew. It's my last Winter break and I'd like it to be a MONTH LONG LIKE ALL THE REST WERE.

I feel like I'm either going to be crazy stressed ooorrr crazy grumpy.

I think it's time for the human race to start hybernating.

I can't imagine anything being better than that feeling.

Also, I don't like you anymore. I've realized that while the other is the worst liar I have ever met, they were a better friend than you were. You don't like fat people, and newsflash, I am a fat person. I think that you're personal beliefs on life are skewed and you need to learn to take better care of yourself. You are by no means seen as an adult in my eyes.

I wish we were as close as we used to be and that we were fixing it faster. I'd like it if you could be my first person that I go to. I'm sorry you feel the same way I do. I know I've dedicated too many tears on the topic, but I'm right there with you. I like being your friend and I should tell you that more often.

I don't know if I look up to you as much as I used to. You kind of knocked yourself down a couple of pegs. I still love you like a sister, but I'm starting to see your flaws. I was always blinded by your brightness, and I'm noticing that you just stand in the light and not produce it.

I wish we could be where we used to be. I wish I could still tell you anything. I miss you a lot and I'm sorry I was such an asshole to you. I'm glad we are talking again and that you don't completely hate me for the idiot that I am.

I want to text you or call you. But I'm not sure how that would go over. I've said I've hated you for almost a year now. That you're a horrible person. And while yes, you're a compulsive liar, you were a good friend. I don't know how it would go over if we started talking again.

Just fucking move to New York so we can be together and fall in love and be happy. I hate waiting.

Full blown anxiety attack.
Feels like a god damn heart attack.

I miss all of the things that used to make me smile.

Can I just apologize to every single person all at once? Can I make everyone not see me as an annoying asshole? Because I promise I'm not a bad person, I'm just sarcastic and kind of honest about things. And a little broken in places, but I've glued it together, it's just not always perfect or smooth or even.

I'm really trying my best to change things, to be better.

I'm sorry if I've upset people, but if you tell me I can work on it. Just be nice about it, I've already done enough crying for a lifetime.

There's certain things that I know could happen if I just let them. I know there are certain things that I could do to put things in place, but I wouldn't be happy with them. I'd feel like I'm compromising myself and what I want. It would feel like giving up.

I know a lot of it is my fault. I know I'm the cause of my own problems, and I've only come to realize this now. That seems pretty stupid for me to see that now.

But right now it's one blow after another. One single hit that hurts just a little bit more than the first time. These bruises are turning my heart black and I need to get out of this rut.

That question? The one I can't seem to answer? It's because I don't know why. I think everyone else would be able to tell me why, but not me.

Maybe you can tell me why I gets asked if I have any cute single friends, and they don't ask me if I'm single. Maybe if you didn't say so incredulously 'I can't believe you are still alone" I wouldn't be completely dead today.

I think there's something wrong with this entire picture.

I want to have the  motivation to make that huge change in myself that makes me feel better and look better and to be healthy.
I don't want to be embarrassed of myself anymore.
No more soda.
No more cigarettes.
No more burgers or late night food.
Salad, lots and lots of salad and chicken.
Special k and fat free milk
no more biting my nails.
no more catching the bus in the parking lot.
I'll walk back to campus from Picotte when I have the time.
I'll drink so much water that I pee 50 times a day.
No more ice cream.
No more shit.
No more eating out.

I want to feel good about myself.
I want my feet to stop hurting.
I want my knees and hips to stop hurting.
I want to fit into clothes that I like.
I want to be able to shop at normal stores.
I want to have the self control to do this.
I want a pair of jeans to last me more than a few months.
I want to wear a dress.
I want to wear shorts.
I want to wear tank tops with nothing over them.
I want to look in the mirror and not hate what I see every morning.

I feel like I'm forgetting everything. It's almost as if my brain keeps stumbling and things are so blurry. I've been forgetting things, and then there's the headaches, dizziness, and the pain. I can't keep everything straight. Or maybe it's just this immense fear of graduating and not being able to do what they've been teaching me to do for the last 21 years of my life.

This is the second time, I kept right on going because I'm still a fucking coward. But then I stop myself and realize that you could have stopped and said something too. Maybe I'm not being silly about it. Maybe I'm just disappointed in how I'm handling it. I wish you would say something, I wish that you wanted to spend time with me. I'm not good at this stuff, I might need a bit of a nudge, but I don't want to be the one to nudge you. I don't want to get myself down like I always do. Please say something. Anything at this point would be better than silence.

This one thought is taking over my mind and I can't let it go. I'll be twenty two in three months and this has become entirely all consuming because I'm behind on the one thing the rest of the world has. It's silly, but I'm afraid that the more time goes, the more afraid I will be. I don't want to be scared, I want to be okay.

Sometimes it feels like I was never supposed to make it this far, like all of it was supposed to end years ago. Like instead of just me stumbling, it was the rest of the world that stumbled with me.

That story you read? I keep thinking about it, wishing it were true because I'm fucked up like that. You're the only one I ever let read it, and now we don't even talk and I have no one else to show. No one else that gets how fucked my mind really is. It's bad that i want the words on the page to be reality, maybe it's because I know I wouldn't be able to survive. Maybe it's because I know I would survive and would fight for every piece of it. Maybe I want to realize how much I am worth it and that I can beat these things.

I don't know what I'm writing anymore. Today was a day of thoughts and crowds and smoke and sun. Movement and elbows. And from the corner of my eye, everything whirlwind into this horrible mass at the bottom. I wish I could walk around with my eyes and ears closed. A wave would have made my entire day seem like nothing could be better than this.

But in the end, I am still alone. In a cold bed that has only seen one way. To a dream filled night that I will never remember when I wake up.
Here's to a tomorrow that is better than every today.

Fat girls aren't real people.

Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm stuck between being livid and crying.

I hate waking up every morning and leaving my warm, comfy bed.

It's safe there.

So maybe I really am that awkward. I really don't know. I wish there was someone that I could meet and just, be comfortable with and not worry about embarrassing myself.

There are so many questions racing through my mind because I really have no idea. I wish I could talk to someone about it with out coming off crazy.

I still feel like punching something.
Or just falling asleep for an extended period of time.

Every fucking time. I hate you for it. So much.

I don't want to be this angry about it.
I wish I could be the bigger person and just forget about you completely.


I feel like punching something, but with my luck I'll break my hand.

Every time I move, the room spins and I feel like I'm falling.
This constant ringing in my ears, and the pain.
Nothing's wrong apparently, but that's not what it feels like.
Doctor's twice, emergency room once, and possibly a specialist.
Maybe I'm imagining it.

I haven't had a cigarette in 18 days.
I haven't cried in an hour.
I haven't talked to you since that last letter.
I haven't wanted to see you since I left last summer.
I haven't fallen in love in 21 years, 8 months, and 8 days.
I haven't felt this lonely in a really long time.

So last year, the whole RA thing really didn't feel like it was who I am.  But this year, with all the old RAs gone, and me still feeling like a new RA myself, it's a lot of fun. It's what I wanted it to be like last year. I know people on campus, I have people to say hello to and people know my name. People come talk to me. I know it's not ideal for you, but for me it's making me feel like I'm not completely worthless and I fit somewhere.

I'm so embarrassed of myself.
No wonder I'm alone.

She's right.
I don't fit, and I don't belong anywhere.
I'm tired of waking up everyday.
I'm digusting.
It's not worth it anymore.

You were going to make me be the third wheel again.
Apparently that's what I was born to do.

No one can hang out with me on their own. They have to have someone with them. Another friend, their boyfriend, their girlfriend. Jesus christ, just hang out with me. Because then it just feels like you don't even want to be bothered.

So the drunk driver gets to live and the kid that he hit gets to die.
I don't see how life gets to work like that.
I feel bad for the family, for the kid who wont get to grow up and experience life. go to college, fall in love, get married, build a life and figure out who he is and be proud of himself. or the parent that had to lose a child, which is something no parent should ever have to go through. and the guy who was drunk gets to walk away. i feel bad for his parents too, because I don't see it being easy to stand by your son after something like that.  and that sound horrible i know, but really, I don't.

i cant get my head around all the death lately. drunk driver. minivan with 4 kids a mom and a man and his 81 year old father. the lady from the bank. the famous people kind of count. my friends grandfather. my other friends grandfather.

what happen to the 3s. out the window.


So I guess I'm saying that my thoughts are with the family who lost their son, brother, grandson, and nephew. My thoughts are with the boy who died too young by someones lack of responsibility.

I hope you get put in jail, and I hope that you remember everyday that mistake that you made. Maybe that will be enough for you to be more respectful of the life around you.

I would give anything to feel like that forever.
Why hasn't anyone loved me?

I want to feel something for once. Something real.
I don't think I've ever been more afraid of anything in my entire life.